Happiness is your choice

Life is hard, and that's no lie! People go through different difficult obstacles all the time, such as losing a loved one, failing college, divorce, causing others harm, even just tiny things such as losing keys, wallet and a purse in one day. Some obstacles are a little harder than others....although, I think that can't be measured.
People are so different, it's fascinating and amazing! What may be so hard for one person, may just make another stronger. I went through a time feeling sorry for myself, which in turn made others feel sorry for me (which was NOT awesome) and made others not want to be around me (ALSO not awesome). I think one day I was smacked with the realization that I make my minutes, my hours and my days. HEY, I even make my years.
I know that there are so many large uncontrollable variables, but I figure that if I look at my life as a big picture and look at other's lives, that those variables will slowly seem like tiny problems that remind me of a dandelion's parachute ball that you can just blow and watch float away with complete content.
Some days are terrible, I know, but look for a person who looks just a tad bit worse, and make them smile. I know, that's my answer all the time, but your heart just grows with every person you touch. Life is just a day by day process, when you feel yourself rushing , just grab that dandelion and take a second to blow away your stress. Even just for a that minute. That one minute will turn to two, which one day will turn to three, and so on.
Good things take time and it seems that today, people aren't cherishing that time and soaking it up, enjoying it. Life is so amazing and full of true peace and love, even in the middle of hate and war, you just need to open your eyes and look a little bit more. The little things around us are beautiful even when we aren't, inside and out.
All I ask is that you take an extra minute to look around, notice a tiny flower, notice a beautiful, quiet, rich green tree, notice the exchange of a look exploding with love between a couple, notice how the sun warms up your face after the wind dies down, notice how, no matter where you are, you can find beauty within your world. Notice that you can make the best out of every day, even though sometimes the "best" isn't even good, or even alright....it'll be better than how you were before you started thinking about making your day better. Happiness really is your choice, all you really have to do is realize it, then grab that dandelion and roll with the punches! SMILE!! :)

What's going on?

So, my life is crazy. A lot of friends know this and a lot of family points it out. There are positives to being a "free spirit" or a "transient." There also negatives though. I always talk about where I have been, and I always miss it. I then go back and it's not the same, I miss the last place I was in.
I'm afraid I won't ever be content in the present. Keep in mind that content is completely different than happy. I'm always happy with the present. What's the point if your not happy, and passing that happiness onto others? Aura and energy are real things, not just hippie hogwash, I promise you that. Why can't I be content? It's the question of the century. A boy has never kept me down, a job has never kept me down, and an apartment hasn't either. Is it independance? Who knows!

Bad things....what can you do?

This pile O' crap just doesn't stop, huh?
People always ask, "How are you keeping it together, how are you so happy?"
Can you imagine, if you were to pass away or simply disappear....would you want your loved ones or friends to be happy or gloomy every day that passes?
You know the answer to that! And...if you don't, you are one sick fool.
To all who are unhappy, take a long look in the mirror. WHY? You look horrible! Grow a pair and sky dive, maybe that will bring a nervous, yet happy tear to your eye.
Stop treating others like crap simply because it elevates your mood. You suck that way.
The solution to that is simple. Stop sucking.
:)
Man, I feel like a crazy person at times, yet I am told I handle it very well. I feel as if I'm all over the board! Temperatures are rising in odd places and falling in others, and I feel like I'm the mercury. Odd.

Do you ever sometimes take a step back and look around at the big picture. Do you realize how trivial most things are? Makes you feel kind of foolish in that moment, until your snapped back into reality and back into unrecognized(?) foolishness. Foolishness can actually be pretty fun at times, trust me! I run around this crazy nation of ours enough to know that. Take now, for example. I'm sitting in Utah. Foolish? Maybe. Maybe not. That's something I won't know until the time passes, although I'm definitely leaning towards maybe not.

Apparently, for some, foolishness can also equal smarts. If you are that person, you learn. That, I think, is where everyone wants to be, it's where most people are because if they aren't there-they obviously aren't smart enough to even wish they were there...they already would have acted on it. It's like the druggie who knows they need to quit, but they just keep doing it. not smart.
Well, Lesson over! School's out. I'm off my pedestal that I should obviously never jump on again (but probably will)! :)

.Better.

The feeling of longing.
The want for better.
The need for something.
What's missing from myself?
And, am I finally finding it?
Slowly but surely I feel my life piecing itself together,
Coming together from pieces never seen before.
Pieces never seen with open eyes and a clear heart.

My mind and body are happy,
But there is something my soul is reaching for.
Something larger than anything I can imagine.
And I do imagine it...Being whole.
To be whole is a reality I can feel calling me, pulling me.
A reality that I can better myself,
Mind, body, soul....and spirit, all together.
A reality I will reach, and live out.

A carepage post to always remember

Just remembering some of the words said during the toughest time in my life.....The day before:

May 6, 2009


I can't believe the amazing family I have. I knew we were close, but I consider every one of you my best friends.Mom & Dad, I have always considered you two my best friends. I love the talks we always just seem to have, and the fun that just seems to follow the three of us around.I look at the two of you and just wish I end up with the same love you two have. You have been an amazing example of what love is supposed to look, act, and be like.

For some reason, my heart still feels like it's in one piece-I would expect it to be falling apart at this point, but I think the only reason it's managing to stay together is because of mom, dad, lisa, teresa, and brian. Mom, holding me until I'm out of tears helps hold me together. Your hugs are part of the glue keeping my heart intact, I just hope I can do the same.
Lisa, Teresa & Brian-knowing that I'm not alone with these feelings is very reassuring-since we are feeling the same, your words help massively, I just hope you can listen to them too. I know it's hard to listen to advice you give to others so, if you need me to turn around and repeat what you had said to me, I will. We have all grown together as friends, it is so helpful at this time.
And Dad....You smiling and holding my hand is all I need. The love you have for all of us is so great and amazing, we always see it when you just look at us, and we always have. You care for our family so much, I hope to be like that someday, just to be even half of the person you and mom each are would be more than enough-I would be more than happy :)
Everyone, keep staying strong, keep leaning on each other when needed.
Once again, thank you to absolutely everybody for your support-we are using part everyone's strength, we need all of it. :)

Peace & Love.
Jenn(Kiss-hug! Kiss-hug!)

Carepage writings

I'm trying to gather the writing I had on the carepages just so I can remember....

May 1
Dad-Thankyou for letting me help you with stuff, and thankyou so much for talking to us. Even through this tough time, you are so thoughtful and caring of others, we all agree that our father is awesome!
Mom-Thankyou for helping me to understand things that are going on, and not keeping anything from me. You are an amazing beautiful woman, and we are all greatly appreciative of everything you do for us and dad.
Lisa-Thankyou for helping me to get down here, and thankyou for your awesome strength and words. You say some amazing things that keep the positive thoughts rolling. I'm never scared to tell you my fears, because you seem just know just what to say. I wish I could be as strong as you at times!
Teresa-Thankyou so much for our late night talks, it seems to just happen, and it really really helps me tremendously. I love being around you, you seem to have the same mind set as I do about this. I admire you greatly for being the awesome mother you are, while achieving what you want. I'm so so happy for you :)
Brian-Thankyou for noticing the times I need a hug, and thankyou for your dad-like wisdom. We all need to hear what you have to say to keep us sane. I have always looked up to you, and that will never change. You have held a lot of us together, reminding us to hold our heads high and smile. :)
EVERYONE WHO HAS COME TO VISIT MY DAD'S CAREPAGE-Thankyou so so very much for your support, prayers, hugs, words, tears, laughter and love.I could never ask for a more amazing family and could never be more proud. You are all so strong, it's unbelievable. I have been amazed more and more by everyone around me every day that goes by.I just thought everyone needed to hear something positive while being reminded of how great they are! Everyone needs to be thanked every once in a while! :)

The strange realization

The past few weeks, I have closed my mind to the fact of ALL that is happening. I now realize how harmful that has been to my heart. Well, I haven't realized, but I have an idea. With father's day coming up, everything is flashing DAD in my face. I feel terrible every time I hear a father's day commercial. I am starting to really have to face my denial to my current situations.
I sat there watching people as they nit picked, and snapped at each other-maybe it was the last port of their cruise and they were sick of each other, maybe it was the dreary weather, either way I was screaming at them inside. The terrible things people do to one another! I want to shake them and ask, what if you lost them??? Your life would be, nothing. Lost. Wandering, turned upside down spinning as if it were a broken propeller on a plane. I feel no anticipation for anything, is that depression? Clinically speaking-I guess. Whatever, it's called lost and so extremely sad, you're not sure how to deal.
I think I finally found a way, smile. If you make someone else smile, you're helping them. What is better than helping another person get through a tough time? What's better then making someone feel better just by hugging them, touching their shoulder, or just telling them your praying for them. Life is so confusing that this is how I, myself have figured it's the only way I can survive. I need to help others. Yes, I want to, I have wanted to for years now, but I think I've reached the point where I NEED it for my own survival.
There are up days, there are down days, there are days where I'm just a shell. I'm not sure where I am on that chart right now. All I know is that I hope my friends are okay right now, all I know is that I hope two souls are found either by us or him, all I know I that I'm lost, and I really need my dad right now.