Just remembering some of the words said during the toughest time in my life.....The day before:
May 6, 2009
I can't believe the amazing family I have. I knew we were close, but I consider every one of you my best friends.Mom & Dad, I have always considered you two my best friends. I love the talks we always just seem to have, and the fun that just seems to follow the three of us around.I look at the two of you and just wish I end up with the same love you two have. You have been an amazing example of what love is supposed to look, act, and be like.
For some reason, my heart still feels like it's in one piece-I would expect it to be falling apart at this point, but I think the only reason it's managing to stay together is because of mom, dad, lisa, teresa, and brian. Mom, holding me until I'm out of tears helps hold me together. Your hugs are part of the glue keeping my heart intact, I just hope I can do the same.
Lisa, Teresa & Brian-knowing that I'm not alone with these feelings is very reassuring-since we are feeling the same, your words help massively, I just hope you can listen to them too. I know it's hard to listen to advice you give to others so, if you need me to turn around and repeat what you had said to me, I will. We have all grown together as friends, it is so helpful at this time.
And Dad....You smiling and holding my hand is all I need. The love you have for all of us is so great and amazing, we always see it when you just look at us, and we always have. You care for our family so much, I hope to be like that someday, just to be even half of the person you and mom each are would be more than enough-I would be more than happy :)
Everyone, keep staying strong, keep leaning on each other when needed.
Once again, thank you to absolutely everybody for your support-we are using part everyone's strength, we need all of it. :)
Peace & Love.
Jenn(Kiss-hug! Kiss-hug!)
Monday, June 22, 2009
Carepage writings
I'm trying to gather the writing I had on the carepages just so I can remember....
May 1
Dad-Thankyou for letting me help you with stuff, and thankyou so much for talking to us. Even through this tough time, you are so thoughtful and caring of others, we all agree that our father is awesome!
Mom-Thankyou for helping me to understand things that are going on, and not keeping anything from me. You are an amazing beautiful woman, and we are all greatly appreciative of everything you do for us and dad.
Lisa-Thankyou for helping me to get down here, and thankyou for your awesome strength and words. You say some amazing things that keep the positive thoughts rolling. I'm never scared to tell you my fears, because you seem just know just what to say. I wish I could be as strong as you at times!
Teresa-Thankyou so much for our late night talks, it seems to just happen, and it really really helps me tremendously. I love being around you, you seem to have the same mind set as I do about this. I admire you greatly for being the awesome mother you are, while achieving what you want. I'm so so happy for you :)
Brian-Thankyou for noticing the times I need a hug, and thankyou for your dad-like wisdom. We all need to hear what you have to say to keep us sane. I have always looked up to you, and that will never change. You have held a lot of us together, reminding us to hold our heads high and smile. :)
EVERYONE WHO HAS COME TO VISIT MY DAD'S CAREPAGE-Thankyou so so very much for your support, prayers, hugs, words, tears, laughter and love.I could never ask for a more amazing family and could never be more proud. You are all so strong, it's unbelievable. I have been amazed more and more by everyone around me every day that goes by.I just thought everyone needed to hear something positive while being reminded of how great they are! Everyone needs to be thanked every once in a while! :)
May 1
Dad-Thankyou for letting me help you with stuff, and thankyou so much for talking to us. Even through this tough time, you are so thoughtful and caring of others, we all agree that our father is awesome!
Mom-Thankyou for helping me to understand things that are going on, and not keeping anything from me. You are an amazing beautiful woman, and we are all greatly appreciative of everything you do for us and dad.
Lisa-Thankyou for helping me to get down here, and thankyou for your awesome strength and words. You say some amazing things that keep the positive thoughts rolling. I'm never scared to tell you my fears, because you seem just know just what to say. I wish I could be as strong as you at times!
Teresa-Thankyou so much for our late night talks, it seems to just happen, and it really really helps me tremendously. I love being around you, you seem to have the same mind set as I do about this. I admire you greatly for being the awesome mother you are, while achieving what you want. I'm so so happy for you :)
Brian-Thankyou for noticing the times I need a hug, and thankyou for your dad-like wisdom. We all need to hear what you have to say to keep us sane. I have always looked up to you, and that will never change. You have held a lot of us together, reminding us to hold our heads high and smile. :)
EVERYONE WHO HAS COME TO VISIT MY DAD'S CAREPAGE-Thankyou so so very much for your support, prayers, hugs, words, tears, laughter and love.I could never ask for a more amazing family and could never be more proud. You are all so strong, it's unbelievable. I have been amazed more and more by everyone around me every day that goes by.I just thought everyone needed to hear something positive while being reminded of how great they are! Everyone needs to be thanked every once in a while! :)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The strange realization
The past few weeks, I have closed my mind to the fact of ALL that is happening. I now realize how harmful that has been to my heart. Well, I haven't realized, but I have an idea. With father's day coming up, everything is flashing DAD in my face. I feel terrible every time I hear a father's day commercial. I am starting to really have to face my denial to my current situations.
I sat there watching people as they nit picked, and snapped at each other-maybe it was the last port of their cruise and they were sick of each other, maybe it was the dreary weather, either way I was screaming at them inside. The terrible things people do to one another! I want to shake them and ask, what if you lost them??? Your life would be, nothing. Lost. Wandering, turned upside down spinning as if it were a broken propeller on a plane. I feel no anticipation for anything, is that depression? Clinically speaking-I guess. Whatever, it's called lost and so extremely sad, you're not sure how to deal.
I think I finally found a way, smile. If you make someone else smile, you're helping them. What is better than helping another person get through a tough time? What's better then making someone feel better just by hugging them, touching their shoulder, or just telling them your praying for them. Life is so confusing that this is how I, myself have figured it's the only way I can survive. I need to help others. Yes, I want to, I have wanted to for years now, but I think I've reached the point where I NEED it for my own survival.
There are up days, there are down days, there are days where I'm just a shell. I'm not sure where I am on that chart right now. All I know is that I hope my friends are okay right now, all I know is that I hope two souls are found either by us or him, all I know I that I'm lost, and I really need my dad right now.
I sat there watching people as they nit picked, and snapped at each other-maybe it was the last port of their cruise and they were sick of each other, maybe it was the dreary weather, either way I was screaming at them inside. The terrible things people do to one another! I want to shake them and ask, what if you lost them??? Your life would be, nothing. Lost. Wandering, turned upside down spinning as if it were a broken propeller on a plane. I feel no anticipation for anything, is that depression? Clinically speaking-I guess. Whatever, it's called lost and so extremely sad, you're not sure how to deal.
I think I finally found a way, smile. If you make someone else smile, you're helping them. What is better than helping another person get through a tough time? What's better then making someone feel better just by hugging them, touching their shoulder, or just telling them your praying for them. Life is so confusing that this is how I, myself have figured it's the only way I can survive. I need to help others. Yes, I want to, I have wanted to for years now, but I think I've reached the point where I NEED it for my own survival.
There are up days, there are down days, there are days where I'm just a shell. I'm not sure where I am on that chart right now. All I know is that I hope my friends are okay right now, all I know is that I hope two souls are found either by us or him, all I know I that I'm lost, and I really need my dad right now.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
My dream
Last night I had an amazing dream. I have been confused about it until I started talking to my mom about it. I have been very very very upset about my father passing away the past couple of days. after a few breakdowns, I had this dream. It was surreal, it was what I hosestly think, someone talking to me.
Here it is.....
I had dreamed not a normal one, where you see everything like a movie, except for the beginning of my dream. My family was around my father and he just plain disappeared. We looked for him everywhere. We finally found him, and he was with another family. I was myself, but I was feeling everything for my father, I was feeling as if I were him-feeling what he was feeling. So, when he was with this family, I was feeling so so confused, In my dream, it was as if he had a head injury and couldn't remember stuff, but he could remember there was something odd going on. It was a horrible horrible feeling. Sad, and trying so so so SO very hard to concentrate and remember stuff. I felt bad for not remembering and just sad. Not to mention pain, I actually was in pain, as if my whole body had a migraine. Anyway, At this point, I really really really wanted to wake up-in my dream I knew I was feeling my dad's feelings but I was by myself, and searching for him hard, everywhere. I felt as though my family was too, but they were no where around. At this point the last name ( I KNEW in my dream it was a last name) Sneddon (or snetton-more of a dd sound) kept glaringly popping into my head. I managed to wake up wide awake feeling, and I looked around the hotel room just for my mom, I looked at her and just went back to sleep.
I fell straight back into the "dream" after I did, I finally found my dad :) I could see him somewhat, but it was more of a haze, I could feel his hand. I "stole" him basically from the other family, and my family was in the background trying to tell him that he was a kotila, he was with his right family rather than the one we just took him from. At this point sneddon came into my head again a couple of times. I didn't see any of my family or hear them, and just felt them thinking it. I was the main person talking to him, and he did not remember details, but when we were speaking-he said "I'm so sorry, I don't remember some stuff-but I'm okay, now I'm with my original family." "I'm happy. I will see you." (I'm not positive which order it was said in) At this time I thought he was talking about being back with the kotila's. After telling my dream, I realize that's not it. The feelings I was feeling through him when he finally found his original family but didn't remember his original family were AMAZING. It was calm and just plain happy. Love, immense love. He hugged me and all I felt was love and the feeling of being happy. It was crazy, it was great.
After I woke up, I was quiet all morning long. I was kind of content, but I didn't think it was because of the dream. I then asked my mom about my grandmother's name. In my dream, everytime snetton/sneddon came up I thought of her. My mom said her maiden name was sneddon. My grandma had passed away the week we found out of the cancer-about 2 months before my dad. Anyway, later on during the day, I told her about this wierd dream I had, and half way through telling it I was remembering it vividly, just every little thing so fresh in my mind. It was then that I realized that it wasn't just a dream-it wasn't even dream-like and we both agreed that dad was talking to me. I then got upset and played the dream over and over in my mind, just trying to remember everything. I finally stopped trying and.....I still remember. I was just worried about forgetting dad-not my dream. It's feels like I moved over a hump in the grieving process in some weird way. I haven't worried at all about forgetting him, not once until today. I love him so much and miss him immensely, and I'm worried he won't visit me again like that, but I really hope so. Because, during that dream, it was the first time I felt content, relieved, and happy, for my dad. I love you dad, please visit everyone like that-especially mom..please? :)
Here it is.....
I had dreamed not a normal one, where you see everything like a movie, except for the beginning of my dream. My family was around my father and he just plain disappeared. We looked for him everywhere. We finally found him, and he was with another family. I was myself, but I was feeling everything for my father, I was feeling as if I were him-feeling what he was feeling. So, when he was with this family, I was feeling so so confused, In my dream, it was as if he had a head injury and couldn't remember stuff, but he could remember there was something odd going on. It was a horrible horrible feeling. Sad, and trying so so so SO very hard to concentrate and remember stuff. I felt bad for not remembering and just sad. Not to mention pain, I actually was in pain, as if my whole body had a migraine. Anyway, At this point, I really really really wanted to wake up-in my dream I knew I was feeling my dad's feelings but I was by myself, and searching for him hard, everywhere. I felt as though my family was too, but they were no where around. At this point the last name ( I KNEW in my dream it was a last name) Sneddon (or snetton-more of a dd sound) kept glaringly popping into my head. I managed to wake up wide awake feeling, and I looked around the hotel room just for my mom, I looked at her and just went back to sleep.
I fell straight back into the "dream" after I did, I finally found my dad :) I could see him somewhat, but it was more of a haze, I could feel his hand. I "stole" him basically from the other family, and my family was in the background trying to tell him that he was a kotila, he was with his right family rather than the one we just took him from. At this point sneddon came into my head again a couple of times. I didn't see any of my family or hear them, and just felt them thinking it. I was the main person talking to him, and he did not remember details, but when we were speaking-he said "I'm so sorry, I don't remember some stuff-but I'm okay, now I'm with my original family." "I'm happy. I will see you." (I'm not positive which order it was said in) At this time I thought he was talking about being back with the kotila's. After telling my dream, I realize that's not it. The feelings I was feeling through him when he finally found his original family but didn't remember his original family were AMAZING. It was calm and just plain happy. Love, immense love. He hugged me and all I felt was love and the feeling of being happy. It was crazy, it was great.
After I woke up, I was quiet all morning long. I was kind of content, but I didn't think it was because of the dream. I then asked my mom about my grandmother's name. In my dream, everytime snetton/sneddon came up I thought of her. My mom said her maiden name was sneddon. My grandma had passed away the week we found out of the cancer-about 2 months before my dad. Anyway, later on during the day, I told her about this wierd dream I had, and half way through telling it I was remembering it vividly, just every little thing so fresh in my mind. It was then that I realized that it wasn't just a dream-it wasn't even dream-like and we both agreed that dad was talking to me. I then got upset and played the dream over and over in my mind, just trying to remember everything. I finally stopped trying and.....I still remember. I was just worried about forgetting dad-not my dream. It's feels like I moved over a hump in the grieving process in some weird way. I haven't worried at all about forgetting him, not once until today. I love him so much and miss him immensely, and I'm worried he won't visit me again like that, but I really hope so. Because, during that dream, it was the first time I felt content, relieved, and happy, for my dad. I love you dad, please visit everyone like that-especially mom..please? :)
Monday, May 4, 2009
A message for my Dad
Dad,
I know how tough this may be. Well, in reality, I don't. Although, truth be told....no one really lives in reality. We hope , wish, dream, and discover. Discover that maybe our wishes won't come true, or, maybe they will. Maybe our dreams aren't going to turn into reality, or maybe we really do see the future. We hope....We hope for things to happen. If they don't, we wish that they would have and we dream about the amazing feeling we would get when they do happen.
My wish is for everything to be perfect and happy again. A simple little wish that is used on probably a ton of shooting stars. I know at this point we can wish, but honestly I would prefer to live in now...reality.
I love you, Dad. Your strength is more amazing than I could ever imagine. The strength of this family is truly something amazing as well.
Mom is really a woman you want on your side! She has been there with you through the good, the bad and the ugly. She has been there for all of us through tough and tougher times. I'm not sure if she was born with her will to be strong and amazing or if the two of you together had brought it out over the years. At times I look at the two of you and smile, I have always wished to have what the two of you have. I've seen the glances between you two and there's no fooling anyone that the love that is there will conquer the world. I could never ask for better parents, or better friends. When people ask me about my best friends, I talk about you two.
I know how tough this may be. Well, in reality, I don't. Although, truth be told....no one really lives in reality. We hope , wish, dream, and discover. Discover that maybe our wishes won't come true, or, maybe they will. Maybe our dreams aren't going to turn into reality, or maybe we really do see the future. We hope....We hope for things to happen. If they don't, we wish that they would have and we dream about the amazing feeling we would get when they do happen.
My wish is for everything to be perfect and happy again. A simple little wish that is used on probably a ton of shooting stars. I know at this point we can wish, but honestly I would prefer to live in now...reality.
I love you, Dad. Your strength is more amazing than I could ever imagine. The strength of this family is truly something amazing as well.
Mom is really a woman you want on your side! She has been there with you through the good, the bad and the ugly. She has been there for all of us through tough and tougher times. I'm not sure if she was born with her will to be strong and amazing or if the two of you together had brought it out over the years. At times I look at the two of you and smile, I have always wished to have what the two of you have. I've seen the glances between you two and there's no fooling anyone that the love that is there will conquer the world. I could never ask for better parents, or better friends. When people ask me about my best friends, I talk about you two.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
**An old blog of mine. Just chill : )**
I have an old blog (about 2 years old) that I just never wanted to erase, I'm simply entertained by it. I decided to share it with everyone because, I just plain like it. :)
I can't sleep. I just got back from Baker today, and I'm already sick of the city. awww, nothing new! Two months and counting until ketch-a-town. ketch a can of busch. ketcha can't of miller light. oh no.
I had an awesome day today. I left to come home, but found out my deal-ee-oh I had going on was cancelled. I didn't have to work, so I flipped around real quick.
Why leave a sunny mountain when there's nothing to do down south anyway? I like that type of thinking. So, I tried to catch one of my buddies before they all left to go somewhere, that didn't happen, and my feet were hurting from not being stuffed in big silver tinsel boots strapped to a piece of wood. So, I went up.
Luckily, my good friends were thinking the same exact thing, and called & found me dead tired from hiking some random spot, lost. Yeah, lost. that was kind of sucky. Once they got there, it was on. I had everything I could have asked for.....snow, board, a g couple great riding partners, sun, sun & sun, slush, chairs that float through the woods, arm vents. perfect. Sorry george hopper, you'll just have to wait for my pass through!
Is there one thing that makes you happy? I noticed that. When things go hectic, I run to the top of a mt. No where else. It's kind of odd how people are searching for some meaning and not just trying to be happy. chill. maybe if you chillaaaax, everything will fall into place. Yeah, you need money to live in this world, but why is that all people ever care about. Self-centered bastards. Get a hobby that's not green and paper and has the flu living all over it. I have to say, I love moolah, and I'll take it anyday, but if that's all I cared about, I'd go insane. I'll live in a cardboard box, it's all good. well, it would suck, but I could shower in a creek or lake nearby. What am I writing about. wow.
Have you ever sat there and people watched? It's a fantastic hobby of mine, I guess. I realized that the mojority of the world is just trying to fit in and "be cool." why? If someone doesn't like you, then maybe you should find someone who just does, instead of trying to convince someone to. Hell, maybe that mean person has some huge issues that you don't want to deal with. Everything happens for a reason, good & bad. just flow with it. chill.
I can't sleep. I just got back from Baker today, and I'm already sick of the city. awww, nothing new! Two months and counting until ketch-a-town. ketch a can of busch. ketcha can't of miller light. oh no.
I had an awesome day today. I left to come home, but found out my deal-ee-oh I had going on was cancelled. I didn't have to work, so I flipped around real quick.
Why leave a sunny mountain when there's nothing to do down south anyway? I like that type of thinking. So, I tried to catch one of my buddies before they all left to go somewhere, that didn't happen, and my feet were hurting from not being stuffed in big silver tinsel boots strapped to a piece of wood. So, I went up.
Luckily, my good friends were thinking the same exact thing, and called & found me dead tired from hiking some random spot, lost. Yeah, lost. that was kind of sucky. Once they got there, it was on. I had everything I could have asked for.....snow, board, a g couple great riding partners, sun, sun & sun, slush, chairs that float through the woods, arm vents. perfect. Sorry george hopper, you'll just have to wait for my pass through!
Is there one thing that makes you happy? I noticed that. When things go hectic, I run to the top of a mt. No where else. It's kind of odd how people are searching for some meaning and not just trying to be happy. chill. maybe if you chillaaaax, everything will fall into place. Yeah, you need money to live in this world, but why is that all people ever care about. Self-centered bastards. Get a hobby that's not green and paper and has the flu living all over it. I have to say, I love moolah, and I'll take it anyday, but if that's all I cared about, I'd go insane. I'll live in a cardboard box, it's all good. well, it would suck, but I could shower in a creek or lake nearby. What am I writing about. wow.
Have you ever sat there and people watched? It's a fantastic hobby of mine, I guess. I realized that the mojority of the world is just trying to fit in and "be cool." why? If someone doesn't like you, then maybe you should find someone who just does, instead of trying to convince someone to. Hell, maybe that mean person has some huge issues that you don't want to deal with. Everything happens for a reason, good & bad. just flow with it. chill.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
**Life, you twist and turn**
Have you ever wondered what's going to happen next? What's just around that turn? Should I take a U turn?
Things can be hard, things can be tough-it's true what they say though, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You can take it as bullshit, or you can take it as a positive thought to get you through your next turn. Either way, you're using it, so who ever thought that up is getting use from it.
Sometimes the way you feel through these tough times are like a cyclone tearing through your room, you come home and find your bed turned upside down, the next day, you find your bed back in place ready to be wept and slept in.....but your favorite pair of underwear is hanging on the ceiling, out of reach. Along with your favorite pair of pants, now dirty and peed on by the cat....not to mention your running late. With traffic. For something your have looked forward to for a month. Damnit. You think, 'okay, I have another pair.' Slip them on, on you can't button them. Oh, the lovely feelings of no control.
If you think about things differerently, you can come out positive......you have no control over these situations.....but if you did-would you just complain about being bored?
My father is in the hospital, receiving treatment for Melanoma. Saying it lightly, I'd say.....IT SUCKS. But, I have never talked to him as comfortably as I do right now. Let me tell you, it did NOT start that way, I was very uncomfortable. But as the hours went on-and the realization of my feelings for my family came clear, it got easier. I cried with my mom, brother and sisters, I talked to them openly-and felt better afterwards. I have always had a feeling of uneasiness talking to them, maybe because I'm the youngest, 6+ years younger. Maybe it's because I have few people to open up to, either way, this whole situation has actually been a positive one (considering). I very much wish it could have been under different circumstances, but there's no control over that.
I'm at the point where I'm writing for me, I'm not writing for the reader. I'm writing for my own peace of mind, to get myself to sigh that relaxing sigh of relief---so I have no clue where I am actually going with this whole blog! All in all, I guess just remember, positivity is a helpful crutch, so use it. It may sound cliche and like a joke-but it really is true.
Why go through life negative and create those worry wrinkles when you can have smile lines instead. Remember, smiles lines are easier to hide because they are caused by smiles-which means you can't see them when ARE smiling......and if you have those smile lines, it means you're smiling an awful lot. Get what I'm saying? Smile. :)
I don't proofread my stuff.....so some of it may be confusing-just like me! Just like life! So....LOVE IT ANYWAY!!!
:)
Things can be hard, things can be tough-it's true what they say though, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You can take it as bullshit, or you can take it as a positive thought to get you through your next turn. Either way, you're using it, so who ever thought that up is getting use from it.
Sometimes the way you feel through these tough times are like a cyclone tearing through your room, you come home and find your bed turned upside down, the next day, you find your bed back in place ready to be wept and slept in.....but your favorite pair of underwear is hanging on the ceiling, out of reach. Along with your favorite pair of pants, now dirty and peed on by the cat....not to mention your running late. With traffic. For something your have looked forward to for a month. Damnit. You think, 'okay, I have another pair.' Slip them on, on you can't button them. Oh, the lovely feelings of no control.
If you think about things differerently, you can come out positive......you have no control over these situations.....but if you did-would you just complain about being bored?
My father is in the hospital, receiving treatment for Melanoma. Saying it lightly, I'd say.....IT SUCKS. But, I have never talked to him as comfortably as I do right now. Let me tell you, it did NOT start that way, I was very uncomfortable. But as the hours went on-and the realization of my feelings for my family came clear, it got easier. I cried with my mom, brother and sisters, I talked to them openly-and felt better afterwards. I have always had a feeling of uneasiness talking to them, maybe because I'm the youngest, 6+ years younger. Maybe it's because I have few people to open up to, either way, this whole situation has actually been a positive one (considering). I very much wish it could have been under different circumstances, but there's no control over that.
I'm at the point where I'm writing for me, I'm not writing for the reader. I'm writing for my own peace of mind, to get myself to sigh that relaxing sigh of relief---so I have no clue where I am actually going with this whole blog! All in all, I guess just remember, positivity is a helpful crutch, so use it. It may sound cliche and like a joke-but it really is true.
Why go through life negative and create those worry wrinkles when you can have smile lines instead. Remember, smiles lines are easier to hide because they are caused by smiles-which means you can't see them when ARE smiling......and if you have those smile lines, it means you're smiling an awful lot. Get what I'm saying? Smile. :)
I don't proofread my stuff.....so some of it may be confusing-just like me! Just like life! So....LOVE IT ANYWAY!!!
:)
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